When you want the very best of what manger living has to offer...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20091203/od_nm/us_nativityplays

Sexual Education On The Decline In Mass. High Schools

Now you'll have a horde of New England kids telling each other: "Hey Sully! If you shout 'reverse the curse' while you're nailin' her, she won't get pregnant!"

http://www.wbur.org/2009/11/18/sex-ed

Not guilty, LOL!

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/11/12/facebook.alibi/index.html?eref=igoogle_cnn

This man clearly things he's some kind of cat burglar or noble villain...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20091109/od_nm/us_mugshot_odd

Restraining order

Woman fell into a creek after she stepped out of a hot tub. She was arrested after police learned that there had been a restraining order placed against her by the man with whom she shared the hot tub. That's the best way to play hard to get. Get a restraining order

(USA Today 11/9/09).

Woman hits deer twice

A woman in Illinous hit two different deer int he space of two minutes. YOu knpw what that means, don;'t you. the birds and the deer are conspriitng against us.

(USA Today, 11/9/09)

Laguna Beach 2; THe Homeless Edition

"Starting Thursdau, homeless people will be assigned to a designated area away from the beach to park their cars, campers, and sleeping gear" I smell a reality TV show: Laguna Beach 2

Berlin wall fell like dominoes

"Everything but Marriage" law

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/states/washington/2009-03-11-1781241992_x.htm

Punkin Chunkin

http://www.usatoday.com/travel/news/2007-10-11-pumpkin-chucking_N.htm

Came directly from Dungeons and Dragons Dragon Con.

Obama and Native Americans

http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2009-11-05-obama-indians_N.htm

You will not be forgotten. Because there are only six of you.

Are you a U.S. Citizen?

Senate Democrats blocked a GOP attempt Thursday to require next year's Census forms to ask people whether they are U.S. citizens. Other options that the G.O.P. were considering were: "Are you an illegal immigrant?", "Are you sure you're not an ilegal immigrant", and "How many friends and family members can you fit into a 1992 Honda hatchback?" Republicans said that they wanted to exclude non-citizens from the population totals that are used to figure the number of congressional representatives for each state. And perhaps they'll need to gerrymander all of the non U.S. Citizens into a new district. And maybe that district will be called "Mexico".

Couple in Enid, Oklahoma hits an elephant

http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2009-11-05-Elephant_N.htm

Report cards are being sent to parents electroncially

This is what happens in Obama's America. The proud, storied American tradition of forging your parents's signature is disappearing. Right under our noses!

Miss England gives up crown over brawl reports

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20091106/od_nm/us_missengland

I only communciate through negativity.

The only way I know how to communicate is to belittle people. I've been on the phone all day with Tech Support. My whole calendar is gone. "Wow, you're liek a mdoern day Job!"

"Are you gonna be here tomorrow."
"I do work here."

I can't be sincere.

Inappropriate noise during a customer service call

Calling a paper company and hearing a chainsaw in the background. "Hi, I'd like to order some paper." "How much?" 5,000 sheets. Alright, just a second. Hear the whirring of a chainsaw in the background. "Oh wait, sorry 1,000." "Okay, be right back."

Wedding Table Names

I want to name the tables after all of the places my girlfriend and I have hooked up in.

Crippled b y writing

You cna;'t put ouw what oyuw ant tos ay without careful cosndireatin oterwise people will jsudge you. Youa re ltierally shackled by the ruels of grammar. it should be the same in the case of speech, but it isn't quite that.

News Links

http://www.cnn.com/2009/TRAVEL/11/03/phoenix.stolen.bags/index.html?eref=igoogle_cnn
http://www.wbur.org/2009/11/03/boston-mayor-3
http://www.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUSTRE5A257A20091103?feedType=RSS&feedName=topNews
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2009-11-03-beer_N.htm?csp=34
http://www.lefigaro.fr/culture/2009/11/03/03004-20091103ARTFIG00652--il-vivait-au-milieu-de-ses-livres-et-de-ses-souvenirs-.php
http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=ZGJmNDU2YmRiM2RkOGY4MjY4ZWQ3MjdhMmZiYWVmMmE=
http://www.cluas.com/indie-music/Blogs/French_Letter/tabid/80/EntryId/1243/Frances-album-prize-2009-shortlist.aspx

Interesting Religious Dilemma

"But Kismayu residents said the rebel group's latest rules on mobile phone ringtones posed yet another dilemma -- since the faithful are not supposed to interrupt the Hadith (the word of the Prophet Mohammed), how are they supposed to answer calls?"

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20091103/od_nm/us_telecoms_ringtones

Fucking machines and foreign policy

Terri Gross porn

It's a very weird dynamic to look at porn and listen to Terri Gross. Those two worlds should not coexist. It's high art and the poorest excuse for low art imaginable. Fucking machines and foreign policy discussions do not and should not mix.

Masturbation/Virginity/Pornography

I lost my virginity at 22, but I didn't masturbate until I was 21. And I didn't look at pornography until I was 23. And then it was a very short downward spiral from that to thoroughly clicking through a list of porn links in order to focus on an interview with Terri Gross.

I had no idea about semen. I'd never seen it and I'd never seen a depiction of it.

Chinese/Indian

Wait, you're Chinese and Indian?! Are you a superhero? Those two countries have joined forces! They're producing a new master race! This is the face of our new human overlord. Combining the ruthless efficiency of the Chinese with the engineering and software savoir-faire of the Inidan subcontinent.

Oppression is good for art

My girlfriend said that she wants to kick our children out at 7. She said that oppression is good for art. "Sure, there was 400 years of slavery. But look how much art came out of that. I wouldn't trade your slavery for anything."

Twitter is the ejaculate of Satan

Twitter is like the ejaculate of Satan. I don't think it's the ejaculate of Satan, I think it's the ejaculate of the Apocalypse. All of the frivolity and banality is burping out of everyone's collective dicks. We're going to orgasm it all out, all of the misspelled sentences and cutesy acronyms and photos of you at a bar, we're all going to have a collective orgasm and then we will collecitcley fall asleepa s a societya nd the lights will go out.

Chinese/Indian

Oppression is good for art.

Sweet embrace of bullets

Ted Williams's head being beaten with a wrench

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090915/od_nm/us_porn
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090915/od_nm/us_power

Iran mannequins

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090922/od_nm/us_mannequins_shops

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/09/21/BAG119QHU6.DTL&feed=rss.news

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/09/20/texas.prisoner.escape/index.html?eref=igoogle_cnn

James Bond or Batman joke. Great Escape joke?

Bang for your medical buck.

Doctor gets 5 years for trading prescriptions for cash and sex

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/20090908_Phila__doc_gets_5_years_for_trading_prescriptions_for_cash_or_sex.html

That's what I call a working health care system.

Mexican health care for all Americans

By Chris Hawley, USA TODAY
MEXICO CITY — It sounds almost too good to be true: a health care plan with no limits, no deductibles, free medicines, tests, X-rays, eyeglasses, even dental work — all for a flat fee of $250 or less a year.

To get it, you just have to move to Mexico.

As the United States debates an overhaul of its health care system, thousands of American retirees in Mexico have quietly found a solution of their own, signing up for the health care plan run by the Mexican Social Security

http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2009-08-31-mexico-health-care_N.htm

I'm so sick of these immigrants coming in here and taking our jobs and using our government programs, and loading down our health care system. Oh wait, they don't. Because we don't have a health care system. Americans go to Mexico for health care.

Border crossing

The number of people crossing the northern and southern land borders into the USA has dropped sharply since a passport requirement began June 1.

http://www.usatoday.com/travel/2009-09-08-borders_N.htm?csp=34

I assume they mean that "legal" immigration has gone down.

Because health care is too cheap

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Americans would be fined up to $3,800 for failing to buy health insurance under a plan that circulated in Congress on Tuesday as President Barack Obama met Democratic leaders to search for ways to salvage his health care overhaul.

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_HEALTH_CARE_OVERHAUL?SITE=CACRU&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

Do you need to penalize not buying health care? Isn't dying punishment enough?

One wedding and a funeral

Parents honor dead son's wish, wed at end of his funeral.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/09/08/ny.funeral.wedding/index.html?eref=igoogle_cnn

Said the parents: "We just liked calling him 'bastard' too much to get married."

I bet they were thinking: "Now that we've gotten that little bastard out of the way, it's time to celebrate!"

Religious Hazing

LOUISVILLE — A mother is angry about a trip led by the head football coach at Breckinridge County High School. The coach took about 20 players on a school bus late last month to his church, where nearly half of them — including her son — were baptized.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2009-09-07-kentucky-football-trip-baptisms_N.htm?csp=34

I would be angry,too. Those kids shouldn't be out getting baptized. They should be out drinking and getting girls pregnant. And what kind of a wussy coach gets them baptized? "Son, I want you to be a winner! I want you to be a cancer on society not finding religion!"

Just one more example of out-of-control young people.

Those crazy kids...

Who said evangelicals can't have fun?

Drunk Chess

CHENNAI, India (Reuters) – A leading French chess player turned up drunk and dozed off after just 11 moves in an international tournament in Kolkata, losing the round on technical grounds, domestic media reported Friday.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090904/od_nm/us_chess_india_drunk

Why should you be penalized for being drunk? That seems like the only way to make chess tolerable.

Sitcom jokes come to life

UPDATE, 1:02 PM ET:Orlando's local CBS television affiliate is reporting that the man who allegedly jumped off the Carnival Sensation last night was heard arguing with a woman just before the incident.

"He threatened to jump, and she said, 'Go ahead,' and he did," passenger Marie McDonald tells Orlando's Local 6 News. "Then we heard the man screaming, 'Help! Help!"'

http://www.usatoday.com/travel/cruises/item.aspx?type=blog&ak=68498346.blog

LANCASTER, Pa. - A Pennsylvania man said he robbed a bank in 2007 to go to jail and get away from his overbearing wife.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32653327/

When did life turn into a series of hackneyed sitcom jokes? These stories should come complete with rim shots.

Disney to the Rescue

(7:56 AM) -- A Disney cruise ship sailing off the coast of Florida has rescued a Carnival passenger who went overboard during the night.

http://www.usatoday.com/travel/cruises/item.aspx?type=blog&ak=68498346.blog

The captain was quoted as saying: "You won't escape this time, Peter Pan."

Champaign Stand-Off

"Battling an intensely hot fire after a semitrailer crashed on Interstate 80, emergency crews were surprised to find themselves suddenly fired upon — by corks from exploding wine bottles inside."

http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2009-09-05-wine-truck-fire_N.htm

The wine bottles were overheard saying: "You'll never drink me alive, coppers!"

Strippers and Mother's Day Gifts

Five men in South Carolina were arrested last week for holding up an armored car. They then spent the money on strippers and Mother’s Day gifts.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/us_world/2009/08/24/2009-08-24_six_armored_car_robbers_ask_for_mercy_after_spending_.html

I’m guessing that if you’re from South Carolina and you’re robbing armored cars, the money you spent on strippers and on Mother’s day gifts is going to the exact same woman.

Top 10 Meals That Gamers Enjoy

An article recently broke down the top 10 meals that video gamers enjoy. Among them were hot pockets, pop tarts, leftover pizza, and a big heaping bowl of sadness frosted with loneliness.

http://kokugamer.com/2009/07/19/top-10-meals-that-gamers-enjoy

Juarez Rehab

"Gunmen killed at least 18 people at a drug rehabilitation clinic in the border city of Ciudad."

Juarez.http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/world/6601848.html

That's what I call rehab! Those people will never touch drugs again!